Grief

Grief is something that everyone will struggle with at some point in his or her life. I have a unique perspective on grief and grief recovery as I find myself stuck in between psychology and theology. On the one hand, I am a therapist helping people work through their grief, but on the other I am a Christian who knows that there is a greater purpose in life and in death that not one of us can fully understand. Just recently, I was approached by an individual who has been plagued by the death of a child. The emotion and the turmoil were evident by the droves of tears that cascaded down his face. This individual’s guilt, hopelessness, and helplessness were almost overwhelming. Upon discovering this client on my schedule I consulted with other mental health professionals about the best way to handle this situation. It was interesting when all mentioned separately that connecting the bereaved with a local faith organization was central to promote healing.

American society prides itself on its adeptness at achieving and overcoming. Children are taught from birth to succeed and push forward. “Pull yourself up by your own bootstraps” some have said. There comes a point, however, when the pain is so present and so real that no amount of self-will will allow a person to jump the hurdle that confronts that person in life. This is the point where a person must look beyond him or herself and find healing through others or through someone more powerful than any mortal man. This is when a person is humbled and falls upon their knees praying for relief from God who gives graciously.

Perhaps a person’s character may be measured by where he or she turns when testing comes. Money, power, authority, and stability all may provide comfort for a short time, but it is when the real struggles are upon us that we see where we ultimately put our trust. All of the therapy, the antidepressants, and the heart to heart talks with loved ones will help with those painful feelings, but faith in a God that is greater than death will ultimately heal.

So often when facing a grieving person, it’s difficult to know what to say. While this is certainly not the time to cram religion down someone’s throat (not that anytime is a good time to do that) a thoughtful card reminding the person that prayers are being offered in their name may be helpful. Perhaps even praying with the grief stricken person may be helpful. Prayer is a powerful and when at our lowest our connection with God will raise us up. He is many things to many people, but He is Healer to all.

The A.C.T.S. of Prayer

What is prayer?

How should a person pray?

Is there even a correct way to pray?

Each person's prayer style is unique to that individual. Perhaps the term "prayer" means different things to different people. While watching the news one might hear a person say, “All we can do now is pray.” This would be a prayer of need and humility recognizing that someone is powerless to change a situation. Others might take a more traditional view of prayer such as an older silver haired gentleman standing in front of his church reciting an almost rote prayer complete with “thee” and “thy” as if he lived in the time of King James himself. His prayer is full of reverence and honor for God. Still others might speak to God as if God were a close friend, more of a conversational approach.

It is interesting to note the different ways and styles that people look to the Father though prayer. What is more interesting, perhaps amazing even, is that God hears all of these styles and responds to each one in a specific way. God can be a person’s helper and healer, a person’s strong almighty Father, and a person’s friend depending on what that person needs at that particular time. As we live our lives and we change from one season of life to the next, we need God in different ways. We grow and mature physically and so does our faith. It would almost seem strange to us to hear a 50 year old praying the same prayer as a 3 year old. God can respond to each season of life and each person uniquely, however.

It is important to remember that communication with God is a privilege, a gift that God has given humanity to be able to approach Him with anything and have the confidence that He can handle it. It is easy at times to get into a rut of prayer. One rut that is easy to fall into is that of only talking to God when times are tough or when a need arises. Some call this a “Genie in a Bottle Prayer.” God is looked at as a genie that is there to grant his people’s wishes and the people in turn look at prayer as rubbing the lamp to get the genie to pop out. While God does invite his people to ask him for their needs and wants, solely praying this type of prayer shows immaturity and perhaps even selfishness. Suppose a person had a friend who only called or came to visit when he or she wanted something. That relationship would be viewed as somewhat shallow. So it is with our relationship with God.

One way that a person can begin to form a more “balanced” prayer life and begin to be more conversational with God is to use a prayer model. THE A.C.T.S. model is widely known and used and may be helpful when trying to begin to pray in different ways.

“A” stands for Adoration. This is the time in the prayer when a person wants to praise God simply for who God is. “God you are mighty, holy, and all knowing,” is an example of a prayer of adoration. This is a time when the person praying can address God in any way he or she feels inclined to do. If a person has experienced God as “Father” then he or she might wish to praise God in that way. If God has recently helped a person overcome a struggle in his or her life then he or she might wish to praise and adore God as helper and healer.

“C” stands for Confession. So often with confession a person might get caught up in beating themselves up spiritually or emotionally. This is not what confession is for. Confession is a person’s time for owning what he or she has done. “God, I really blew it this time when I lied to my manager at work to get out of trouble,” is an example of confession. Oftentimes, churches view confession as punishment. A person must confess and then take the beating that he or she has coming to him or her. This is not what scripture teaches about confession, however. Just as a child is taught honesty and owning up to his or her mistakes, so to God wants each child of his to take responsibilities for deeds done wrong.

“T” stands for Thanksgiving. One of the most commonly forgotten parts of prayer might be thanksgiving. A person might pray and pray fervently for a need and then when God fulfills that need, that person forgets to go back and thank God for his intervention. God wants each of his children to be grateful for the gifts He has provided. Thanksgiving should be a central part of each person’s prayer life.

“S” stands for Supplication. Supplication simply means asking God for what is needed. As stated earlier, God wants each person to come to Him and in humility admit that he or she is not strong enough to deal with life in isolation. Each person needs God’s intervention at times throughout life to simply go on. Whether it is a concern over a medical problem, a child who has made a poor decision, or a job loss, God wants his people to ask Him for help.

God is a God that lives in and has walked among His people. He is a God of relationships and of connection. Prayer is certainly the easiest and most natural ways of communicating with the Creator. Through petition and supplication, thanksgiving, confession, and adoration, each person’s connection is secure knowing that God hears each and every one.

Hope

How does one define hope? It’s a simple yet profound question. In light of the recent disaster in Haiti and as we continue to see the ongoing war in the Middle East many might define hope differently. The Haitian people might define hope differently than the soldier’s families back in the States. Perhaps their hope is the same, they just hope for different things. The people of Haiti hope for relief from pain and suffering. They might hope for food, for shelter, or even for water. The family of a soldier in the Middle East might hope for a letter, a phone call, and more than anything to be reunited with a loved one. Some might just be hoping to survive the workday until 5pm so they can go home for the weekend.

The English language is one that is complex and confusing. It utilizes the same word for many various meanings. For instance, someone can love a Big Mac but can also love a child or a spouse. While it is the same word, the meaning varies drastically. The word hope can be used in the same way. A person might say, “I hope our team wins tonight,” but might also say, “I hope the test comes back negative for cancer cells.” It is the same word, but one is much more serious and much stronger than the other. Often, when our culture and society uses the word hope, it is presented with the connotation of a wavering uncertainty. A certain event might happen or it might not. There is a feeling that the possibility is still up in the air. How is the word hope used in the context of faith in God though?

The word hope appears in scripture approximately 146 times. It is used in various contexts and in many different ways. Of all the books of the Bible, Psalms has the most examples of the use of the word hope. Throughout the Psalms, however, the word hope has a meaning attached to it that is considerably different that one might see it in everyday speech of our American culture. The writers of the Psalms give the reader a sense of certainty and concreteness when using the word hope. Hope is something that, through faith and belief, a person can put all of his or her weight on. Right now, it is wintertime. Some might walk onto a frozen lake saying, “I hope the ice holds.” The biblical definition of hope, however, entails that the ice will hold and that there is certainty in the ice. The ice will not crack. It is strong enough and it will hold.

God is that kind of hope. When a person hopes in God then there is a certainty in that relationship that the ice will hold. God has no cracks. He is strong enough to handle anything that is thrown at him. A person can put his or her weight upon God and have confidence that He will not crumble. He has always been, always is, and always will be. He was, is, and is to come. No matter who is president, what natural disaster may befall us, or where there is a war raging, hope is stability. It is stability in a God that rescues and withstands the test of time.

Harbor

I don’t know why I’m typing this. Consider it free written, the art of writing nothing but finding meaning in it in one’s own mind. Perhaps the swirls of my mind will eventually flow into a river headed in one direction. I feel as if confusion has set in like a fog on an ocean harbor. The ships in port are stuck sitting impatiently like a road waiting for some weary traveler to pass by on foot and pay it some attention. The ships outside of the safe waters dare not cross into them for fear that some treacherous object lie in wait to shred their sturdy but fragile hulls. Being adrift at sea must feel like the ultimate loneliness. I say that it “must” because I have never been adrift at sea. I’ve actually never been out to sea on a boat.

I once watched a show where a guy skilled in wilderness survival intentionally put himself in the worst case scenario situations and showed the viewing audience how to live for a week or so. In one episode, he put himself on a life raft in the middle of the Caribbean ocean. It was sort of boring compared to the other episodes because he only had about 10 square feet to move around in for the hour long episode. He would eat some vacuum sealed hot dogs and then tell me how I could collect fresh water from the condensation on a tarp. He would then vomit up the hot dogs from sea sickness and tell me some more about the dangers of dehydration.

Being adrift at sea would scare me. The fear in me might lie primarily in the fact that I had no clue where I was. I like to know where I’m going and how long it’ll be before I get there. When I got a job out of college that required me driving into some pretty shady neighborhood, I went out and quickly bought a GPS. Sure, everyone has one now, but I had one before they were all the rage. This was an impulse buy that turned out to be a lifesaver. The $98 Express black pants that I bought 8 years ago were an impulse buy that I regret. It’s funny because as I write this, I look to my left where my high school and undergraduate diplomas hang on the wall with their precisely matted edges and shiny black frames. What’s funny is this, after each diploma I felt lost for a period of time. “If only I could graduate,” I thought to myself, “I would have some direction and know the answers.” Sadly no, my diplomas did not give me good directions, only more questions. So I sit here tonight and ponder what to do with a Master’s degree, the diploma that proudly hangs up high in my office at work. This piece of paper seems as of late to slowly be fading into uselessness for me.

Having had the world by the tail for approximately 6 months after graduation, I now find myself slowly slumping back into my ever receding trust and reliance on my own efforts. I find myself being slowly pulled back away from effort, productivity, hard work, and toiling yet pulled into an ever growing relationship with He who can give me the answers.

I just finished reading “The Shack” by William P. Young a delightful theological narrative about a father’s struggle to find meaning in disaster. One of my favorite quotes which I write below gives me hope and reminds me of that which I often forget: "Religion is about having the right answers, and some of their answers are right. But [Jesus is] about the process that takes you to the living answer and once you get to him, he will change you from the inside." How clearly that statement rings true. My struggle strangely does not lie with religion. Quite honestly I gave up on the organized, politicized, entity of religion several years ago. What I refuse to give up on is the healing nature of Christ and the fact that when I am in the clearest of mental states is when I am in the deepest of relationships with Him.

It’s been approximately 6 weeks since I’ve prayed. That may sound absurd for many of you. Some it may seem absurd because you have far surpassed my 6 week mark of prayerlessness. Some may be amazed that I could go that long without praying. I having been faced with a complex set of relationship issues this past week however, has brought me back to me knees in search of something, anything, that might make sense out of the frustration and pain. It’s so easy to forget Him when success seems inexhaustible yet it’s easier than this still when we crumble and come humbling ourselves asking for mercy from the darkness that seeps in.

So here I sit on the 3rd floor of an apartment building in a suburb of Nashville thinking about why His arms are outstretched to me yet I slowly back away ever so often and say, “Hey, thanks for the support, healing, and direction but I’m going to try it on my own for awhile. You just hang here. I’ll holler if I need a hand.” I stereotypically trot out on my own and then come limping back begging for a hug.

Here lies a false sense of control. I want to captain my own ship “with all the rights, privileges and honors thereunto appertaining” but also desire the security of knowing that when the storm hits, there’s a safe harbor to dock in wherever I go with a Captain who knows the way in and will guide me. So as the workplace becomes more unstable, as relationships become more complex and confusing, and as the questions get stranger and more untidy it’s comforting to know that I can “stand with arms high and heart abandoned in awe of the One who gave it all.”

It is in this God that I put my hope in and have faith that the answer lies with Him and not within me. It is here I can be certain that while the pain is still present and the confusion ever looms in a dark cloud overhead the arms are outstretched saying, “I AM.”