Peas and Carrots

Peas and carrots. That’s what I’m eating as I write. Some people write in fancy coffee shops or rented offices in the trendy district like the Gulch. I eat peas and carrots when I couldn’t find anything else for lunch. They’re not very good because I couldn’t find any salt in the office. We had 4 things of pepper. In between sessions when I’m not snacking on mixed vegetables, I also find time to complain about the company over the chat messenger thingy with people in other offices. It’s also a good time to ponder and write. Between my peas and carrots without any salt and some chat over the interoffice messenger it’s been a highly fascinating day. Note: There should be a sarcasm font added to computers. Electronic communication takes the edge off of work throughout the day. If you think about it, it’s ridiculous that we sit at computers and type text to one another when we could easily just call. I mean, if we’re typing, we’re obviously not doing anything productive and could more efficiently call. My dad would have an opinion on this I’m certain.

I had a Skype conversation with a good friend yesterday. She’s overseas doing graduate school. On second thought it wasn’t Skype. We were supposed to Skype but her internet connection has been subpar so we just typed in the Facebook chat thing until her internet died again. We’ve explored nearly every topic imaginable in our conversations over the past year or so since we have grown closer in our friendship. I was thinking about something that I said to her yesterday. The conversation had died down slightly and she said, “So what do you want to talk about?” I’m horrible at coming up with conversation topics on the spur of the moment, it drives me nuts actually. I’ve always thought that conversation was an informal thing, something that involves give and take, something that just happens between people. “What do you want to talk about?” I asked. “Whatever,” she said. Dodging the hint that I was supposed to pick the topic I said, “What do you want to know about me? I’ll pretty much tell you whatever you want to know.” In this statement I was half expecting questions to arise such as, “What’s your favorite color” or “Do you have a crush on anyone at the moment?” The response I received was an invitation to converse about the very statement I had made, about why I was so open about myself. I think she has trouble understanding my transparency sometimes because she considers herself more private. I had never thought about it really. The conversation took me back to another I had had over said chat messenger at work with a coworker. She was a new employee and quite attractive. Being the welcoming employee that I was, I felt obligated to get to know her and make her feel as if she were a part of the team. I remember having made the same statement to her that I had made to my friend overseas. As we were trading chit for chat, I said, “So what do you want to know about me. You just ask and I’ll tell.” It’s not that I’m a player although it may appear so from all indications.

When I ask the question, I honestly do mean it. I began to ponder why I am so open. Having thought about it for awhile I now think that it might be because I value genuineness in humanity. Genuineness in a person is a big deal for me I guess. When I catch someone doing some purely altruistic act my heart grows a little warmer. When I see someone standing on a milk crate preaching on a street corner I can appreciate the genuineness of that act. I wouldn’t do it myself, but I think to myself, “Wow, that guy has some balls to get out here and do that.” I know a guy who used the rest of his money one semester in college to buy 60 meals at the food court and take them to homeless people downtown. I tagged along and witnessed him talking to these people and praying with them on 1st Avenue in Nashville. I would like to believe that I am a genuine person; that I am the same across all situations and that I don’t put on a front to different groups of people. I think I may think too highly of myself though. I think I am genuinely Bipolar meaning that I waver back and forth from one pole to the other between altruism and cynicism. Maybe I’m being too hard on myself. Maybe I’m thinking too highly of myself.

I had a conversation with a friend recently about genuineness. We were sitting in traffic waiting to get off the exit for my first Titan’s game. He had a coveted parking pass which was nice. It did not let us bypass traffic. We had plenty of time to talk. He made a statement about genuineness that made me think. He’s only like 2 years older than me but for some reason I look up to him as a wise person. “The way you can tell if someone is being genuine with you,” he said, “is to ask yourself this question. ‘If I all of a sudden I had $1 Million dollars, would they treat me differently?” This all sprang from a discussion about raising money for the company he works for. I believe that very few executive level people are genuine. Call me a cynic (Really it’s ok to call me one. I called myself one earlier, remember?), but most of these folks that I know can smell money from 10 miles away and will do whatever it takes to get at it. It’s like politics on a nongovernmental level. I get frustrated when the almighty dollar sweeps over good intentions and corrupts and ruins people who had joy before they got tangled with it. The money shouldn’t matter. Genuineness should matter. The relationship should matter.

I want people to be real with me. I don’t want people to like me because of how fat my wallet is (I rarely have to worry about this one) or how handsome I am (This one is even more rare). I want people to know the real me and like me anyway. I want people to see the weaknesses, flaws, and [insert other generalized negative personal feature here] and stick with me anyway. So often we are pulled between the wanting to truly be known by another and that fear that if they do know us, then they might not accept us. We want so badly to connect but a human connection requires both sides to be in agreement and acceptance of the other. Acceptance of the good along with the bad.

I think this is why people have sex so much and with so many people. In the sex, they are really looking for a genuine connection. They are looking to share their soul with another. Sadly it doesn’t work. They don’t know who they are so they go from this person to that person asking, “Do you know who I am?” This world is a lonely place. It’s a couples’ world. We want to connect soul to soul with another. We want to know who we are and have real conversation, real answers. Genuineness. We come up short though because I don’t know who you are and you don’t know who I am. I can tell you all my secrets and you still will not fully know who I am.

In Genesis, God says that we were created in His image.

God is made up of Father, Son, and Spirit.

Three in One.

Trinity.

Community.

Fully connected.

Genuine.

Can you imagine the connectedness between the three? When God created man in His own image, he passed that connectedness, that genuineness on to his people. Imagine again, a world with no shame, no doubt, no insecurity. The first people lived in this world. The connection they had with one another was likely indescribable. In fact, they were so connected to one another and to God that they walked with God through the garden God had given them to work.

I was thinking how I would like to have that relationship. Then I thought that I sort of have it already. I can go to God and ask Him, “Who am I?” and He can tell me. I can show him all of my junk, the dark muddy places of my heart. Even seeing all of this, He still accepts me unconditionally. I don’t even have to ask Him my question, “What do you want to know about me? I’ll tell you pretty much anything” because He already knows me. He created me. He watches me while I sleep, while I’m at work, in my loneliness, and in my joy. He stands beside me and says, “Daniel, yes, I know him. He belongs to me. Let me just tell you all of the amazing things that I have planned for his life; things he can’t even begin to fathom.” Genuineness, authentic genuineness, is present only in our relationship with out Creator. That’s something I want. That’s exciting. That’s a lot better than peas and carrots without salt.