Pressure

I was presented with the question today of whether our motives in doing something determine our stress level. I think that it is a valid question, one worth looking into. If we feel like we “should” do something or “have to” do something then it creates a sense of expectation within us. Too many expectations or expectations in the wrong arena create stress.

For example, kids of divorced families often feel like they are the ones that caused their parents to break up and by that same logic, they are the ones responsible for getting their parents back together. This often manifests itself in anger, sadness, or behaviorally acting out. This pressure on children is nearly overwhelming and we see the children begin to crumble under the false sense of urgency that they’ve created within themselves; a negative situation which was not even their fault to begin with.

Adults do it too, however, don’t we? Am I fighting to be successful in life for practical purposes or am I trying to prove something to someone else or even to myself?

“My mom had a lot of issues with depression and codependency when I was a kid and wasn’t a great mother. I have to be the perfect mom to my kids to prove that I’m not like her and that I can do it better.”

OR

“”I don’t get it all right all the time but I love my family and I want to raise my kids the best I know how.”

Which scenario creates more pressure on this mother? The first mom has some battles from her past that she needs to fight it sounds like. She is setting herself up for a life of failure and unhappiness. The pressure she’s enduring to prove something to herself will become unbearable.

“I think it would be fun to have a really nice ski boat to take the family out on the lake on.”

OR

“My buddy James at work has a sweet Mastercraft boat and he and his family seem happier than mine. If I could only have a boat too then it might improve my family’s closeness.”

Sounds like this second guy might have a case of “Keeping up with the Jones” mixed with some feelings of low self esteem about himself as a father. Bitterness and resentment is likely to creep its way into his life at some point if he doesn’t live up to his own expectations.

So if you find yourself feeling overly stressed or bad about something you “should have done” “should do” or “must do” then ask yourself what your motives are for doing it. Perhaps a shift in focus will relieve some of that self inflicted pressure and you’ll find that you are just as satisfied with yourself just the way things are.