Risk

I was driving to work this morning rockin’ out to a little music, Third Day’s new album to be exact. If you haven’t heard it then you should buy it. It’s phenomenal. If you can’t afford it, I have every word to every song memorized and would be delighted to sing it to you. I’ve found that in my line of work I really have to have pep talks and pump up time before I brave the day of emotions and tears. I drove and thought about the times in my life when I took a chance and charged ahead and also the times when I was timid and had to say “no” to certain opportunities that approached me.

I often find in counseling sessions that people get stuck when they feel like they have no other options. When they feel like their back is to the wall and they’re drowning is often when depression and anxiety rears its ugly head. I try to show them that there are, in fact, options. One of my favorite phrases to tell these folks is, “The person who has options has power.” Sometimes the options are polar opposites, however. A person has to choose to either be spontaneous or to be responsible and conservative. A person has to choose to spend money or to save it. A person has to choose to stay in an unhealthy relationship or to end it.

I thought back several years about a unique opportunity I had while I was in graduate school. While working for the YMCA, I earned my Commercial Drivers License so I could drive full size buses. It benefited the camp I worked for and it benefited me because I was able to drive for church and other activities as well. One of the camp directors’ wives works for a music management company in Nashville. She came to me with the idea of going on the road with one of her bands and driving their tour bus for a year. I was left with a decision to make. I was in the middle of my graduate school program, yet touring with a band sounded pretty fantastic as well; the opportunity of a lifetime.

As I sit here in my counseling office, it’s obvious which option I chose. Sometimes I feel like a wimp for often choosing the more conservative option. Obviously the more responsible decision was to not take a year long break from graduate school and to press on toward the long term goal. There’s nothing morally or ethically wrong with this at all but it makes me think about how it might transplant into other areas of my life as well.

We often joke around my office about my chronic singleness. One of the other therapists and I collaborated on a theory about why women often choose jerk guys. I’m a guy and a therapist. It takes a certain type of person to do this type of job. I listen well, talk about feelings easily, and am caring and compassionate naturally. It’s not an act that I put on for my working hours. It’s who I am as an individual. My coworker suggested that perhaps women view my niceness, empathy, caring, etc. as boring, weakness, or “not strong.” Opposite this, he suggested that perhaps women view jerk guys as exciting, strong, and adventurous. This is certainly a generalization, but perhaps there is some validity to it as well.

Last night, while watching PBS, I saw a show on this guy that studies baboons in Africa. (I’m well aware that making the statement that I was watching PBS does not increase my chances of being seen by women as adventurous and strong. It was a good show nonetheless.) He said that the alpha males in the pack of animals were the ones who were the aggressive, violent, and “jerk” baboons. They were concerned with fighting, conquest, and intimidation of the smaller females. The other males were more concerned with social concerns such as grooming other members of the group and caring for the females. He followed this group of baboons for years and at one point, the group of animals contracted an illness from eating tainted meat from a garbage dump. All of the alpha male baboons quickly died out from the illness. Those males who were more passive, easy going, and concerned with social concerns became sick but did not die. The guy in the show hypothesized that the fact that the more “passive” baboons cared for others actually made them stronger as individuals. They were more healthy (somehow they measured their blood pressure and blood nutrient levels) and the females were more apt to care for them while they were sick than they were to care for the alpha males. The most interesting part was this. As time progressed after the illness period, new alpha males tried to join the group and take control. The more social males and especially the females forced the new alpha males to conform to the new social way of doing things in the group. It’s as if, after experiencing caring, warmth, and empathy, the group concluded that they preferred this type of treatment from other members.

So, I’m not a jerk and I’m certainly not intimidating so where does that leave me? I thought that maybe I could move to Africa and live with baboons but then I’m a red head and I have pretty fair skin. I would probably get sunburned a lot, especially since I would have to leave my butt hanging out so that I fit in with the baboons (Pause here for mental picture). I figure I fit in better with American society though. I’ll probably just stay here and try to live my life the way God calls me to live it, with patience and trust in Him.

Jesus is a risky guy.

He’s not just the Alpha male.

He’s the Alpha and Omega male.

(That last line was so horrible I couldn’t help but leave it in the final draft of this post.)

While I was thinking about my level of conservativeness vs. riskiness., I determined that I really am a fun person to be around even though I’m not a jerk. I’m spontaneous at times and can do and say some pretty crazy stuff on occasion. Most of the time I try to treat people the way I would want to be treated. I try to be more like Jesus, using his life as my measuring stick. Now, obviously I fail often, but it takes a lot of strength to follow Jesus.

Does your faith involve any risks? Sometimes I look at my life compared to people in other parts of the world and my life seems so simple. At other times, I wonder if it’s harder to have faith in a culture that embraces it fairly openly. I live in the buckle of the Bible Belt, where practically everyone knows who Jesus is. I went to the Grand Ol’ Opry the other night and the whole place erupted in cheers when Randy Houser played a new song “In God’s Time.”

I think the risk in having faith in the Bible Belt is the challenge to have authentic faith. A great number of people attend church weekly but how many have a strong faith that daily calls them to die to self? Dying to self is risky. It involves strength in the form of releasing control. Control and strength usually go together but not in Jesus’ upside down kingdom.

Choosing to be meek over being pretentious.

Choosing to not lash back at a wounded person who lashes out at you.

Choosing to spend time with the kids even though you’re exhausted when you get home from work.

Choosing to sit and listen to your wife as she tells you about her bad day even though Sports Center is on.

These are Jesus’ adventures and strength.

Granted, the majority of things in this post are conclusions drawn from making assumptions and generalizations. Some are meant for humor while others are meant to make us think about things a little differently. One thing that will never be generalized, though, is Jesus’ teaching on love. He calls us to love other people. People are messy, dirty, and nasty sometimes. Loving people is risky.

This is the adventure that Jesus invites us to.

So, just like the children’s books where you get to choose your own adventure, so Jesus gives us the choice. Will you choose to serve Jesus conservatively and take no risks or is Jesus worth taking a risk on? Is He worth putting “self” to the side and embracing love?

Today’s challenge is to live like a rebel. Be risky. Love recklessly. Embrace the adventure.

Dialogue

I was watching Extreme Makeover Home Edition several Sunday nights ago. It was the episode where Ty and the gang came to Nashville to rebuild a school that had considerable damage during the May floods. I found it interesting to see my hometown on a TV show that I watch regularly. This was the school that my high school played against in football. More than that, it was one of the few schools we actually beat in football because they were always worse than we were. Lighthouse Christian School was just a hop skip and a jump down the road from where I grew up and seeing the flooding on the news that day in May really hit home.

I had been looking forward to the broadcast of the Extreme Makeover show for some time. Right from the start, however, something wasn’t right. Something didn’t feel normal when the show started. I got a text from my mom which pointed out that which I hadn’t noticed yet. Each time they said the name of the school on the show, they called it Lighthouse School. They left the “Christian” part out...on purpose. They said the name of the school nearly 30 times in the show and each time they made a point of calling it Lighthouse School. At first, this was a little surprising, but then as I thought about it, it really wasn’t.

Our culture continues to fight anything that contains the slightest resemblance of Christianity. In our quest for political correctness, we continue to create more rules and legalism of what is and is not proper in terms of freedom of Christian speech. Our book of social mores continues to evolve and become more complex as we desperately attempt to keep everyone happy and comfortable.

_____________________________________________________


I met a teenager the other day. I discovered in a roundabout way that he was an atheist. The conversation led to my college experience which led to a discussion of what my degrees were in. I told him that my bachelor’s degree was in Theology and my master’s degree was in Counseling. He snidely rolled his eyes when I said Theology and said, “Theology? Why would you get a degree in Theology?” I then mentally rolled my eyes at God and silently said, “Gee thanks God. This is exactly how I want to spend my time. I love being berated by ill-mannered teenagers who just wants to fight for fighting’s sake.” It was then that I violated a social more by challenging this delightful youth by asking, “What did God ever do to you to piss you off?”

He looked shocked.

“I just think it’s bullshit that people will sit and tell you that this God that is all loving and shit sends people to hell and doesn’t even want them to be happy.” He sat back in his chair with a smugness that screamed that he felt he had defeated me.

“Yeah, I don’t think God sends people to hell,” I said. “Furthermore, I think God gives people whatever they want.”

More shock on his face. This was obviously not the response that he was used to in his practiced and strategic defensiveness and smugness.

“Ok here’s how I see it,” I told him. “God desperately wants you to love him. He loves you more than you or I could ever imagine. Part of Him loving you is allowing you the choice on whether to choose to love Him back or not. It’s all up to you man. No one is forcing you to accept this ‘bullshit.’ Not even God.”

Now I had him going. No one had ever been this crass about discussing God with him before.

NOTE: Teenage boys and anything lewd or crass connect extremely well. This includes but is not limited to swearing, body noises and odors, and obscene sexual innuendos.

“Do you have a girlfriend?” I asked.

He nodded, “yes.”

“Is she hot?” I asked.

Another “yes” nod, this time more confidently combined with a sly smile as his eyes glazed over for a split second. I fear to imagine what mental picture he had in his teenage male head at that moment.

“For instance,” I continued, “if I told you that you had to love your hot girlfriend or else I was going to beat the crap out of you then that wouldn’t truly be love because you were being coerced to love her right?”

Obviously a man of many words, he nodded again slowly in agreement.

“So since God wants authentic love with you, He’s not going to coerce you or force you to love Him. He’s going to give you the choice on how to respond to His love.”

I wondered if anything I said was making any sense. Did it sound in anyway rational?

“So how does everyone get whatever they want that way? And how would a God that loves people send them to hell,” he asked.

“I think it all depends on how we define heaven and hell. People have different ways of looking at it. How do you picture hell?” I asked.

“Hot with fire and a lot of rocks. Satan would be there obviously and it would be miserable,” he answered.

“And heaven would be little fat babies with wings flying around with bows and arrows and flitting from cloud to cloud right?” I continued.

“Right,” he said laughing.

I could tell that he was tracking with me well now so I went for it.

“Ok, I admit that I’m a God follower. Here’s how I view heaven and hell. I can’t imagine anything better that being in perfect union and relationship with God all the time. I want to be with him in heaven for eternity because that’s what heaven is; life the way God meant for it to be from the beginning. I see that opposite of this as being totally separated from God, cut off from Him in every way. That’s how I would define hell.”

I continued, “So…God wants you to choose Him, but he loves you enough to respect your choice either way. If you live your life against Him and trying to push Him further and further away from you, then he gives you what you want; eternity without Him. That’s what makes hell so horrible. God doesn’t send you there or want you to go there. You choose to go there of your own freewill.”

Silence.

More silence.

Silence that even makes a therapist feel awkward (this is hard to do by the way).

“I’ve never heard it explained that way before,” he said.

“Does that make any sense whatsoever or was I just rambling,” I asked.

“You rambled a lot but most of what you said made sense,” he said lowering his head and laughing a bit.

_____________________________________________________



I don’t think anything I said converted him.

He’s not headed to a church building anytime soon to learn all 87 verses of the hymn “Just as I am.”

I knew a guy in one of those types churches that made it a point of beating people with his Bible. He even offered a class on how to teach others to offer beatings to non-Christians. I went once to be polite and then never went back. He was certifiably insane. He was also manipulative, using back door tactics to guilt and scare people into seeing things the way he did. “Believe the way I do right now or God will stick you on the end of a stick and hold you over hell like you’re a marshmallow,” was the general feel of the Gospel as he presented it.

If we’re talking numbers, then he’s likely shared his Gospel with more people than I have shared mine. Maybe there’s a place for searching out people like a heat seeking missile and targeting their weaknesses to destroy the sin in their lives through exposing their past disgraces. Perhaps that’s what God intends for us to do.

I feel like open honest dialogue that is intentional but also patient might be more effective though. I think God deliberately places certain people in our lives because we have been gifted with some special frame of reference or skill set that would be ideal for talking with them about Jesus in a language they can understand.

There’s a branch of counseling called Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. It involves looking at 1) Thoughts 2) Feelings 3) Behaviors. What are your thoughts and feelings about our culture and its fear of Jesus? Also, what behaviors do your thoughts and feelings elicit in your life? Fear of acting and sharing or excitement to act and share?

Needy

I met this girl one time. She was very attractive and fun to talk to as well. I talked to some guy friends about the importance of this combination. We concluded that hotness without personality is still lacking. The good news is that personality can make up for lack of hotness. I think there’s a mathematical formula for figuring this out but I made it a point to forgot all mathematical formulas after I was done with the math section on the ACT in high school. All the guys that were present quickly agreed on the matter and went back to doing guy things like eating jerky, lifting weights with our shirts off, and sawing pieces of wood with power tools.

NOTE: Those not aware of my sarcastic tone in the previous paragraph should read some of my other writings before craftily composing a barrage of hate mail. I think you’ll see that I’m joking and that I’m a quite a nice guy. Nonetheless, life is too short to spend it with an ugly woman. That’s a quote from my preacher. You can take it up with him. He works for Jesus.

So, this gorgeous girl with a great personality and I began hanging out and chatting. Over the course of our talks, she described her fear that getting close to people and letting them see the “real you” meant that they would inevitably hurt you. I agreed that there is certainly risk in getting close to someone but also added that life lived in isolation is no life worth living. She said, “But that just makes you needy and I don’t like having to rely on other people. I feel like I have to be the strong one,” she said, seemingly frustrated. “I know I can rely on myself.” Using my counselor wiles and my copyrighted soft-spoken voice, I was encouraging in the moment and said, “Needing other people doesn’t make you needy. We all need someone to rely on sometimes.”

I was rather proud that I came up with that line on the spot because it was effective and also true. So many little bits of encouragement either don’t work or they’re just straight lies in order to get a girl to like you. For instance, complimenting an outfit when oftentimes we haven’t looked at the outfit but know that you want to hear that your outfit looks nice.

Apparently, my line was encouraging enough to warrant meeting for dinner one night. The conversation was delightful, meandering from topic to topic, some trivial and fun, others deeply serious. There was a definitive connection between two young souls throughout these conversations as the connection grew closer. It was apparent that we both felt it as we sat looking into one another’s eyes.

Four days later, after she had texted me and told me to leave her alone stating that she wanted nothing more to do with me, I had plenty of solitary dinners to reflect on my original comment about neediness. What did this girl need that I could not offer or that she was unwilling to admit to? She obviously needed long-term therapy, but I could provide that. Confusion ensued. I finally concluded after intense psychotherapy with a wide range of professionals in the field (the PhD, Marriage and Family Therapist, and Clinical Manager at work conducted an in-depth analysis of the situation) that contentment was her ultimate unmet goal. It was that a certain person or circumstance couldn’t satisfy her need. Furthermore, it was the fact that wherever she was and whomever she as with, she was unhappy, alone, and empty. She was always looking for that next best thing but always tortured by the idea of knowing that the next thing would ultimately not be the thing that would fill the void. Her lack of connection created a chasm of darkness within her.

If we’re honest, we have to admit that we’re all trying to find a cure for that empty feeling that rears its ugly head occasionally aren’t we?

We’re all needy at times too, placing our reliance in different things that will potentially fill us up.

Oftentimes, the “needs” get confused with the “shoulds” and the “oughts” and we become mystified by the proverbial shiny objects in front of us that we think might make life just a little more bearable. I need a new car. I deserve a better paying job. I ought to be more successful at this point in my life. I’m a genuinely good guy/girl and beautiful women/men should want to be in a relationship with me.

You don’t need a new car. You’re lucky to have a job at this point honestly. There are a heck of a lot of people out there who are less successful than you are. Finally, making statements such as the latter one is the very thing likely driving men/women away from you. You’re not going to shrivel up and die if you didn’t have a date for New Years (Trust me, I had a movie night by myself this year and I’m still alive to tell about it).

At other times, however, we might go the opposite direction and try to be strong in and of ourselves. Some might say, “I don’t’ need anyone or anything. I’m going to make it on my own.” I think about the tough Marlboro man in the cigarette ads. He’s rugged and tough and he doesn’t need a thing. Another example is that of the U.S. Army. “Army of One” the commercials used to announce.

I hate to tell these folks, but Mr. Marlboro Cowboy Man has to be close to dead by now from smoking those tough looking cigarettes for so many years and if I’m going into battle there better be at least 10,000 other guys with me rather than just me by myself because the Taliban is freakin’ crazy.

So if having tangible things doesn’t bring contentment and if being strong and doing life by ourselves doesn’t bring contentment, then what does?

I am admittedly a person of discontentness right now in my life. I’m 27, struggling to make it on my salary at work. To add insult to injury, the singleness epidemic is running rampant in my life with no immunization in sight. Strangely, however, there are periods lately when I’m perfectly content and happy where I am.

I thought to myself the other day, “What am I doing different in those times?”

“Is it seasonal?”

“Is it a health issue?”

“Does cold weather bring with it a lack of contentment?”

“Is it a conspiracy by the Crystal Springs water company? Perhaps they’re adding discontentment to the jugs of water at work!”

I finally discovered that it is in those times when I am most in tune with God that I find myself the most content and fulfilled.

I remember that two relationship disasters ago I was devastated, driven to my knees to pray to God. I was reading scripture, praying, and in church each time the doors were open. I got through it and God was good. He renewed me and sustained me. I came out on the other side closer to Him that I had ever been before.

In time, however, that excitement waned and I started to slump back into my old routine. With the old routine came a lethargy and restlessness with life.

Another life crisis arose driving me back toward my knees and finding contentment in His arms once again. Fulfillment once again returned.

I laughed to myself once I saw the pattern and wondered why I couldn’t just maintain this relationship constantly. I’m making small efforts to rekindle that yearn for Godly things. It’s unfortunate that reliance on God comes the easiest while we’re suffering.

So as I end this, I intentionally leave it open. I don’t have a nice tidy answer for contentment and fulfillment. I know that once I’m done writing, I’ll go to my bed and read today’s daily devotional from a book a friend gave me. Then I’ll write a page in my journal and go to sleep. For now, that as regular as I’m able to give God, about 15 minutes worth. Perhaps, I’ll reevaluate tomorrow and see if I can rewrite His contract to include more time.

So I invite everyone to share with...well...everyone. What do you do to tend your relationship with God? Do you even have a relationship with God? If not, then where do you find your contentment? If you do have that relationship, then what does that look like for you?

I’m certain that the answer lies with God and having a committed relationship with Him. The question then becomes “how?”

Isaiah says,

“The LORD will guide you always;
he will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land
and will strengthen your frame.
You will be like a well-watered garden,
like a spring whose waters never fail.”
Isaiah 58:11

Perhaps I should change my line to, “Needing God doesn’t making you needy. He created you to need him. He wants you to rely on Him. He loves it when you spend time with him even when it’s you admitting that you can’t do it all by yourself and that you need His help.”