Needy

I met this girl one time. She was very attractive and fun to talk to as well. I talked to some guy friends about the importance of this combination. We concluded that hotness without personality is still lacking. The good news is that personality can make up for lack of hotness. I think there’s a mathematical formula for figuring this out but I made it a point to forgot all mathematical formulas after I was done with the math section on the ACT in high school. All the guys that were present quickly agreed on the matter and went back to doing guy things like eating jerky, lifting weights with our shirts off, and sawing pieces of wood with power tools.

NOTE: Those not aware of my sarcastic tone in the previous paragraph should read some of my other writings before craftily composing a barrage of hate mail. I think you’ll see that I’m joking and that I’m a quite a nice guy. Nonetheless, life is too short to spend it with an ugly woman. That’s a quote from my preacher. You can take it up with him. He works for Jesus.

So, this gorgeous girl with a great personality and I began hanging out and chatting. Over the course of our talks, she described her fear that getting close to people and letting them see the “real you” meant that they would inevitably hurt you. I agreed that there is certainly risk in getting close to someone but also added that life lived in isolation is no life worth living. She said, “But that just makes you needy and I don’t like having to rely on other people. I feel like I have to be the strong one,” she said, seemingly frustrated. “I know I can rely on myself.” Using my counselor wiles and my copyrighted soft-spoken voice, I was encouraging in the moment and said, “Needing other people doesn’t make you needy. We all need someone to rely on sometimes.”

I was rather proud that I came up with that line on the spot because it was effective and also true. So many little bits of encouragement either don’t work or they’re just straight lies in order to get a girl to like you. For instance, complimenting an outfit when oftentimes we haven’t looked at the outfit but know that you want to hear that your outfit looks nice.

Apparently, my line was encouraging enough to warrant meeting for dinner one night. The conversation was delightful, meandering from topic to topic, some trivial and fun, others deeply serious. There was a definitive connection between two young souls throughout these conversations as the connection grew closer. It was apparent that we both felt it as we sat looking into one another’s eyes.

Four days later, after she had texted me and told me to leave her alone stating that she wanted nothing more to do with me, I had plenty of solitary dinners to reflect on my original comment about neediness. What did this girl need that I could not offer or that she was unwilling to admit to? She obviously needed long-term therapy, but I could provide that. Confusion ensued. I finally concluded after intense psychotherapy with a wide range of professionals in the field (the PhD, Marriage and Family Therapist, and Clinical Manager at work conducted an in-depth analysis of the situation) that contentment was her ultimate unmet goal. It was that a certain person or circumstance couldn’t satisfy her need. Furthermore, it was the fact that wherever she was and whomever she as with, she was unhappy, alone, and empty. She was always looking for that next best thing but always tortured by the idea of knowing that the next thing would ultimately not be the thing that would fill the void. Her lack of connection created a chasm of darkness within her.

If we’re honest, we have to admit that we’re all trying to find a cure for that empty feeling that rears its ugly head occasionally aren’t we?

We’re all needy at times too, placing our reliance in different things that will potentially fill us up.

Oftentimes, the “needs” get confused with the “shoulds” and the “oughts” and we become mystified by the proverbial shiny objects in front of us that we think might make life just a little more bearable. I need a new car. I deserve a better paying job. I ought to be more successful at this point in my life. I’m a genuinely good guy/girl and beautiful women/men should want to be in a relationship with me.

You don’t need a new car. You’re lucky to have a job at this point honestly. There are a heck of a lot of people out there who are less successful than you are. Finally, making statements such as the latter one is the very thing likely driving men/women away from you. You’re not going to shrivel up and die if you didn’t have a date for New Years (Trust me, I had a movie night by myself this year and I’m still alive to tell about it).

At other times, however, we might go the opposite direction and try to be strong in and of ourselves. Some might say, “I don’t’ need anyone or anything. I’m going to make it on my own.” I think about the tough Marlboro man in the cigarette ads. He’s rugged and tough and he doesn’t need a thing. Another example is that of the U.S. Army. “Army of One” the commercials used to announce.

I hate to tell these folks, but Mr. Marlboro Cowboy Man has to be close to dead by now from smoking those tough looking cigarettes for so many years and if I’m going into battle there better be at least 10,000 other guys with me rather than just me by myself because the Taliban is freakin’ crazy.

So if having tangible things doesn’t bring contentment and if being strong and doing life by ourselves doesn’t bring contentment, then what does?

I am admittedly a person of discontentness right now in my life. I’m 27, struggling to make it on my salary at work. To add insult to injury, the singleness epidemic is running rampant in my life with no immunization in sight. Strangely, however, there are periods lately when I’m perfectly content and happy where I am.

I thought to myself the other day, “What am I doing different in those times?”

“Is it seasonal?”

“Is it a health issue?”

“Does cold weather bring with it a lack of contentment?”

“Is it a conspiracy by the Crystal Springs water company? Perhaps they’re adding discontentment to the jugs of water at work!”

I finally discovered that it is in those times when I am most in tune with God that I find myself the most content and fulfilled.

I remember that two relationship disasters ago I was devastated, driven to my knees to pray to God. I was reading scripture, praying, and in church each time the doors were open. I got through it and God was good. He renewed me and sustained me. I came out on the other side closer to Him that I had ever been before.

In time, however, that excitement waned and I started to slump back into my old routine. With the old routine came a lethargy and restlessness with life.

Another life crisis arose driving me back toward my knees and finding contentment in His arms once again. Fulfillment once again returned.

I laughed to myself once I saw the pattern and wondered why I couldn’t just maintain this relationship constantly. I’m making small efforts to rekindle that yearn for Godly things. It’s unfortunate that reliance on God comes the easiest while we’re suffering.

So as I end this, I intentionally leave it open. I don’t have a nice tidy answer for contentment and fulfillment. I know that once I’m done writing, I’ll go to my bed and read today’s daily devotional from a book a friend gave me. Then I’ll write a page in my journal and go to sleep. For now, that as regular as I’m able to give God, about 15 minutes worth. Perhaps, I’ll reevaluate tomorrow and see if I can rewrite His contract to include more time.

So I invite everyone to share with...well...everyone. What do you do to tend your relationship with God? Do you even have a relationship with God? If not, then where do you find your contentment? If you do have that relationship, then what does that look like for you?

I’m certain that the answer lies with God and having a committed relationship with Him. The question then becomes “how?”

Isaiah says,

“The LORD will guide you always;
he will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land
and will strengthen your frame.
You will be like a well-watered garden,
like a spring whose waters never fail.”
Isaiah 58:11

Perhaps I should change my line to, “Needing God doesn’t making you needy. He created you to need him. He wants you to rely on Him. He loves it when you spend time with him even when it’s you admitting that you can’t do it all by yourself and that you need His help.”