Questions

QUESTION #1
While dawdling in my office one afternoon, fixated on my computer monitor which is strategically tilted away from the door, I busily clicked away on Facebook. It was a light afternoon thus I decided to “Go online” and see if anyone worth chatting with was available. Unsuspectingly, a former coworker popped up sending greetings. We exchanged pleasantries before she made this statement. “Hey there’s been something on my mind that I’ve been meaning to ask you but I’m afraid you’ll get mad or offended.” An interesting way to begin a conversation but as my interest was now ablaze I asked her to continue. She said, “So I was on Facebook the other day with a friend of mine and your picture popped up on the newsfeed. HE thought you were very cute. I was wondering if you were gay because you two would be great together.” Ha, haha, hahaha, cough, vomit in mouth a little, haha. “Umm, sadly no, I’m not gay. Tell your friend thanks anyway and that I’m flattered,” I replied.

QUESTION #2
I was met with my second unexpected question later the same week. Once again, sitting in my office, the young lady that is interning with me asked this question, “Can I ask you a personal question?” “Sure,” I replied. “What sin do you struggle with the most?” It was a blunt, ‘to the point’ question with teeth that just sticks to your heart when it’s asked. It took me aback for a second because in my 26 years of life, no one had ever asked it in that blatant a manner. So we discussed it and it was refreshing to me.

QUESTION #3
My question is this. Why don’t we ask one another the tough questions more often? In the faith circles I grew up in her question was inappropriate. Things of that nature shouldn’t be asked like that. We need to have more respect for one another and honor the boundaries of confidentiality in personal faith. Faith is to be between us and God not us and other people, right?

James says, “Therefore, confess your sins to one another, and pray for one another so that you may be healed. The effective prayer of a righteous man can accomplish much.” James 5:16 (NASB)

QUESTION #4
When will we begin being real with those that we surround ourselves with? I heard a speaker at church one time make the statement, “We come in here and act like life is good and we have it all together. I love Jesus and Jesus loves me. Amen! God is good all the time and all the time God is good. Amen! No struggles here. No sin here. No worries here. We even act like all those cars out in the parking lot are paid for and we don’t even have financial worries.” I challenge everyone to have a real conversation about their faith this week with someone. It could be a family member, a best friend, or even with me. Ask the inappropriate questions. Be disrespectful of the norms of the church that you were raised in. Be real. Be open. Be honest. Grow.

Surrender

The Exodus is possibly one of the greatest book is the Bible. Filled with all the excitement of a Rated “R” movie minus the nudie scenes and colorful language. I began reading this great book just for fun, not really studying, just enjoying the story. Perhaps it was my natural perceptive nature or maybe it was God smacking me in my arrogant face with a principle that I have been struggling with for some time. Whatever the reason, I was irritated with God.

Joseph (the one with the rainbow coat that his dad got him from Macy’s) is dead. The new pharaoh of Egypt could care less about these Israelite people. In fact he’s a little intimidated about how many of them there are. He decides that the best course of action is to make them slaves. They are slaves for a good long while, time enough for Moses to be born, grow up, kill a guy, run away, get married, get called by God, argue with God about his calling, and finally realize that he doesn’t have a say in the matter and do what he’s told. I have heard that all of this takes place in approximately 110 years give or take.

Exodus 2:23-24 (NLT)
“Years passed, and the king of Egypt died. But the Israelites continued to groan under their burden of slavery. They cried out for help, and their cry rose up to God. God heard their groaning, and he remembered his covenant promise to Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. He looked down on the people of Israel and knew it was time to act.”

Had I been an Israelite, I might have asked the question, “God, why did it take you 110 years to hear our prayers and send us a deliverer?” I mean seriously, I was raised with the understanding that God heard my prayers instantly and that He had compassion on his people. Now God is God and I suppose he reserves the right to answer a prayer however He wants, but still. If the plan is to rescue Israel anyway, why not do it sooner than later? I suppose this is freedom One gets when One is the Creator of the universe.

I’m a pretty smart (and humble) guy, but I don’t presume to boast that I know how God thinks. Perhaps, though, God waited until the people were at the end of their rope, with no other option, no other way out but Him. Perhaps the people began complaining at first of the hard labor. Complaining moved onto bitterness. Bitterness moved to action and perhaps they protested the poor working conditions and formed the first Dept. of Labor staffed with the finest employees that tax dollars could buy. Protests were squelched violently and the Dept. of Labor was disbanded. Israelites began to realize that they were not in control anymore. They didn’t have a say anymore. Now why did God allow them to suffer for 110 years? Maybe it took longer for people to figure things out in those days. They did live to be pretty old after all. Perhaps it did take 110 years though.

110 years to give up

110 years to realize that they were powerless

110 years to realize that they needed something or someone bigger than themselves

110 years to wave their white flag

110 years to surrender

Surrender, after all, is what God is asking of each of us isn’t it? Time and time again, I find myself trying to control my own life. I think that the axis of the globe runs straight through my head leaving me to be the center of the world. Things would certainly run better if only everyone would ask about (and follow) my opinions. In reality, however, things topple over in my life when the focus becomes about me. I find myself tightening my grip ever so securely around my life yet find it becoming evermore so out of control. It is when I relinquish this death grip that God steps in and says, “Thanks for letting me in Daniel. I’ll take it from here. You’re gonna love this next part! I just wish you had made room for me sooner.” Then He smiles at me then blows my mind by turning my world upside down for the better. This is the God of compassion whom we serve and who values each of us so greatly.

Give up

Let go

Wave your white flag

Surrender

Counsel

I was doing chores around the house one afternoon like everyone loves to do and was struck by an arrogant but humbling idea all at once. It was a slap to the face in one sense yet an epiphany in another. I go to work from 8-5 each day Monday through Friday and sit in my nice chair in my nice office listening to people talk about their life struggles. I currently have a caseload of approximately 100 people ranging in age from 5-65 years old. While I have only been a counselor for 3 ½ years I have helped hundreds of people. I have helped people begin the road to recovery from addiction, helped them save their marriages, and helped children change their behaviors that have been making them and their parents miserable for a reason they do not even understand. I’ve celebrated with people and mourned with people. I’ve sat with them while they are in their lowest moments and seen the gleam in their eye when they came to my office about to burst because they had had a success to tell me about. I work hard to do my job well and I am good at my job. It was not what I learned in school that prepared me for this field, but my personality, my ability to connect with people and show them that if no one else in the world cares about their struggles, I do. It’s who I am. I am successful at it.

My epiphany came about, however, when I saw the antithesis to my arrogant, self parading, exaggerated view of myself. I looked at myself and saw someone who struggles with loneliness, anxiety (as I’ve been biting my fingernails down for the good part of 2 decades now), trust, and motivation. True, I’ve saved marriages, helped people work through their suicidal thoughts, advocated for abused children, and ministered to the less fortunate, but I’m just as much of a mess as they are. It took all that was within me to ask someone for a date recently. Upon receiving a “yes” answer, it took significant counsel from a public relations specialist, a middle school teacher, a consulting representative, a PhD, a marriage and family therapist, and an intern to determine what the heck this whole dating thing is and how I should handle it. I spent time gathering information, getting opinions and suggestions, and plotting my course before setting off into a world I know nothing about.

I wonder sometimes if this is how we are in our Christian lives. I suspect that each of us who grew up in the church or has been there for some time knows all of the right things to say or do. I suspect that we could read through a list of decisions that people have made an easily determine whether they are moral, legal and ethical or not based on our view of God’s will for our lives. We know the textbook phrases to use when consoling someone at a funeral or what to tell someone who is struggling with something in the church. If we’re really good, we even know where to find the verses to back up what we are saying (unless you’re me then you’re very adept at using the online concordance).

When it comes to our own lives, however, we struggle. If someone tells me that they don’t feel close to God I may tell them to pray more, read their Bible, and go help some other poor soul to make themselves feel closer to God. When I don’t feel close though, I flail around and wonder what it is that I should do and why God isn’t treating me fairly. Why have you forsaken me God? Why the loneliness? Why now?
One of the most absurd things that a professor ever told me in counseling was that we had to remain mentally healthy in order to help those who were not mentally healthy. It was a good concept, but it was flawed, for we will always struggle with something. There will always be challenges. Strangely, however, it will always be easier to help someone else out of a mess than to get out of a mess when it’s clawing at your own heart. Jesus said in Matthew 7:5, “Hey psycho, before you start trying to screw in everyone else’s life how about you get your own junk together rather than pointing fingers at him and laughing.” (Ok, that was slightly paraphrased but you get the point.)

So as we continue on this journey throughout life, let’s work with one another to balance the burden. I’ll keep working on myself. You keep working on yourselves, and we’ll both support one another and lift each other up during those times when a little help is needed. The best news is that Jesus is on our side to carry the burden right along with us. In fact, he takes the weight off of us. He has already won. That is where my confidence lies. In fact, I can be so confident in his victory that nail biting becomes a relic of the past (until my next date this is).

Parallels

Who doesn’t love a good romance story? Well, probably a lot of people. Stereotypically guys don’t care for them much, but most guys secretly do enjoy them I believe. I know a lady who said that her husband loves to watch them with her because he knows he’s going to get lucky afterwards. Having taken part in my own quasi-romance story, I have discovered an interesting parallel between this human relationship and our relationship with God.

My relationship started as most do, with a glance. The glance turned into a greeting which turned into flirting which turned into a date which turned into dating. I treated this woman like a queen. Flowers, cards, cooked meals, back rubs, kindness, quality time, the whole bit. I had done everything that I knew to do to make this woman feel special; to show her how I felt. To many, I would have been the ultimate boyfriend. I am even a good listener for goodness sakes (I am a counselor after all).

About 2 months in she reciprocated my affection in her own way by informing me that we should just be friends. I was crushed. It had been 4 years since I had had anything more than the proverbial nibble when it came to someone showing interest in me. How could this be? I gave it my all!

It is heart breaking to give your all to something only to have it completely and utterly rejected. It would be one thing to be rejected if I had done something wrong like lying or cheating (I did neither mind you), but to just be rejected just because, it’s shattering.

This relationship, or lack thereof, made me think about my relationship with God. I gave nothing to this woman in comparison to what God has given to me. God says to me, I can give you life at its best. I want a relationship with you. Your life won’t be perfect while you’re on earth, but let’s walk this journey together, side by side. God says, I will dote on you and give you more than you’ll ever need. I chose you and called you by name and I love you.

Then that uncomfortable scene in the movie takes place. It’s the scene in the movie when the guy professes his love for the girl. She looks at the ground awkwardly before looking up and saying that she does not feel the same.

God professes his love for me and I look back and say “Thanks God, you know, I’ve really enjoyed hanging out with you and stuff, but I just want to be friends right now. It’s not you. It’s me. I mean, you’re a great God and all I just think I’m not ready for something serious right now. Maybe I’ll see you every Sunday for an hour at church or something. I hope this won’t make it awkward for us.”

God is perfect. He didn’t lie or cheat. His only crime was giving me a taste of what the wonders of life inside a relationship with Him would be like. This relationship would be different from the one I offered this young lady. This relationship would be for eternity; one day bringing me to heaven to live fully in His presence. Yet when offered eternity, oftentimes I tell God that I just want to be friends. I reject God’s offer. I break His heart. My excuses are many. I have a lot going on. Work, activities, friends, activities with friends from work. I’ll give God a piece of my time just like everything else gets but not all of me. I won’t let him into the deepest parts of me.

This brings about conflict because God in his essence demands to have all of me. “We are his people the sheep of his pasture.” We belong to God. God loves me unconditionally and jealously. He will have no other person or thing before himself when it comes to filling up my hearts.

So I must choose. If I am like my “friend” I will choose to be separated; living life outside of a relationship with God. God, out of love will let me go but never stop loving me.

If I look toward God, though, and say ‘yes’ to Him, then He invites me into a relationship…

so amazing

so wonderful

so deep

so pure

…that nothing will ever compare to it.

God is smitten with you and with me. He has already chosen you. Will you choose Him back?

Alone

It’s nearly 9pm as I sit on my 3rd floor balcony in Nashville. My apartment is about as close to the interstate as you can get. I hear the big trucks flying by every so often accompanied by the higher pitched buzz of cars weaving in and out of traffic. I look out and see the light pollution of downtown Nashville and see a couple of planes in the near distance beginning their decent into Nashville International.

Why is it still called Nashville “International” by the way? We having nothing even close to an international flight anymore. My guess is that it would cost too much to change all of the signs. Those signs are bigger than you think you k now?

The blinking lights in the sky make me wonder, though, about who all sits in those cramped little seats entering our fair city. Some are on business, some are coming to see family, some are locals just coming back home. What lies in store for them though?

Families waiting for them at home?

Empty hotel room?

Wives, husbands, kids, girlfriends, boyfriends, parents, friends

My dad used to go on business trips. Sometimes to Germany, sometimes to Pennsylvania. Even as a boy I remember seeing the people getting off the airplane (back when you could meet people at the gate). Some people would get off and have people there to meet them. They would embrace and smile as their eyes met. Others would get off and turn walking alone to get their bag and then off to their destination. Even as an 11 year old I found myself feeling bad for these people that did not have anyone to meet them. Now that I’m older I realize that they probably were going home to a wife or kids but it seemed so lonely at the time.

Have you ever had one of those nights when you were alone and the aloneness was overwhelming. Maybe you were even surrounded by people and felt alone. Sitting in a suburban neighborhood with thousands of people within a mile of you, seeing the excitement of the lights downtown , the hustle and bustle going on around you, yet you are alone.

I have this completely irrational fear that I have only told a handful of people in my life. Everyone has seen those movies when the world is coming to an end and everyone abandons a major city. There always follows that scene where the camera pans through the streets and it is completely quiet and there is debris and loose paper blowing around. One of my greatest fears is waking up and being the only person walking through those streets. Complete and utter aloneness.

My mind races and makes it worse when I imagine walking through the streets and there being people walking toward me in those yellow bio hazard suits. If that ever happened then I would likely have to change my underwear. There’s something about knowing you’re alone and then it getting worse by realizing that you’re not alone but that there has been some nuclear or biological catastrophe that you’re apart of. Either way, you are pretty much screwed and by yourself in one way or another.

Sometimes when I’m lonely I feel very small. I feel insignificant and outnumbered. I feel like no one knows where I am at in life and what I’m going through. I feel like I’ve just gotten off the plane and there’s no one there to meet me and no one who is going to be happy to see me when I get home. Occasionally in my pity party, these verses will pop into my head and give me hope.

Matthew 10:29-31 NIV
“Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? Yet not one of them will fall to the ground apart from the will of your Father. And even the very hairs of your head are all numbered. So don't be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows.”

“Thanks God for that little reminder. I sometimes forget how much you value me and how you always know where I am [even if it’s all alone in a city that has undergone a nuclear or biological disaster]. You never sleep, never slow down, you always pursue me. Even when I try to run away from you I am always running toward you for wherever I am, there you are as well. Give me a sense of your presence in those times when I doubt; when I forget how vast, how wide, and how deep your love is for me.”

Depravity

One of the pastors at my church made this statement: “If you don’t believe in the depravity of mankind, then go down the hall and sit in on the 2 year old Sunday school class for awhile.” The congregation laughed when he said it. My first thought was, “What exactly is depravity?” I had heard the word thrown around in my conservative church home growing up, but the problem with many of those loyal church words is that we don’t know what they even mean. I knew depravity was not a good thing and it probably had to do with sin because my church was totally into teaching about all the things that we were NOT allowed to do in this life. We were the “Church of Don’t.” Don’t have sex, don’t drink alcohol, don’t dance, don’t bother others with your problems at church, etc. So we would all come together on Sunday mornings and celebrate the fact that we had spent a week doing nothing. I assumed depravity had to do with people that went out and did things during the week. I Googled it and the definition was as follows: “Marked by corruption or evil.”

How are two year olds “marked by corruption or evil,” I thought to myself. Then I met a two year old and it all made sense. Attempting to play with this young chap was a learning experience for me. Our playtime began with him throwing a temper tantrum complete with spitting, red face, screaming, kicking, hitting, crying, throwing things, etc. The reason for this outburst? The pajamas he wanted to wear were dirty and he had to wear another set. In about 60 seconds after the temper tantrum was over and he had completely forgotten what he was upset about, play resumed. It involved him picking up one of his 3700 toys and throwing it around. I thought I would join in and select a toy to play with as well. I selected my toy, a hammer than makes construction noise when it hits something. Immediately, crying resumed as the hammer was violently yanked from my hands followed by a stern eye to eye glare from the 2 year old with the following statement, “MINE!” He took the hammer and laid it on the floor and went on playing with his other toys. I was speechless. It was funny in a certain twisted sense, but so irrational in another.

The depravity of mankind now made more sense to me. I have always wondered why sin was so natural for me. The question was posed to me in college: “Why do we sin so easily?” The simple answer is that sin if fun. I like doing things that I like to do. Many thoughts/activities/attitudes that are not good for me are still fun to do. From the day we are born we encounter sin and selfishness. A person trained by sinners is likely to be a sinner himself. Now for you Original Sin proponents and opponents this discussion is not that discussion. I’m not discussing whether we are born sinful or not. I’m simply stating that from birth, human beings want what they want when they want it. I’m hungry, I want my bottle NOW! I’m angry so I’m going to hit you because it makes me feel better NOW! Perhaps sin and selfishness are synonymous. Try to think of a sin that does not stem from selfishness. It’s nearly impossible to do.

Thus, from early in life we have a selfish nature. The psychology world calls it egocentric. The layperson calls it self-centered. Selfish ambition is something that we are in conflict with our entire lives. At 2 years old it’s a plastic hammer that makes construction sounds and a set of Spiderman sleepwear. At 35 it’s a spouse that leaves the marriage due to disinterest with the same old husband or wife. At 50 it’s more money and upward mobility in the company. At 65 it manifest itself as jealousy over not retiring with as much stuff as the neighbor or the coworker.

King David felt it when he wrote in Psalm 51: 3-5 NIV:
3 “For I know my transgressions,
and my sin is always before me.
4 Against you, you only, have I sinned
and done what is evil in your sight,
so that you are proved right when you speak
and justified when you judge.
5 Surely I was sinful at birth,
sinful from the time my mother conceived me.”

What a depressing passage of scripture. Just reading these verses does not give one a sense of hope in overcoming this fallenness that we live in. Luckily, the Hebrew Bible, our Old Testament is not the end of the story.

Paul writes in Romans 3:21-24 NIV:
“But now a righteousness from God, apart from law, has been made known, to which the Law and the Prophets testify. This righteousness from God comes through faith in Jesus Christ to all who believe. There is no difference, for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, and are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus.”

The word “justify” in this passage is key. Justify is an old carpentry term. It means to line something up. From early on in our lives we have been out of line. We are incapable of staying inside the lines that God has drawn for us. It’s only through Jesus Christ that we are put back in line, straightened up, made right, justified.

Fallenness

Selfishness

Darkness

Depravity

These are not the end

Grace

Love

Hope

Justification

Only through Christ Jesus

Cycle

I love to go white water rafting. Living in Tennessee, it’s not too far of a drive to get to the Ocoee River, one of the better strips of white water in the country. There’s a thrill in the feel of being at the mercy of the river with swift moving water and rocks all around you protected only by your little rubber boat and the knowledge of your river guide. Occasionally people fall overboard in the middle of a rapid and have to float further downstream where the other members of their boat can pull them back in. On one trip however, a friend of mine was met with a bit more excitement. He happened to fall out of the raft in a rapid that had created a vortex near some large rocks. He regaled us with the story afterwards of how he was sucked under the water and couldn’t surface due to the cyclical nature of the vortex. He said, “I was kicking and swimming to get to the surface but the rapid kept cycling me back through over and over. I couldn’t break free. Finally, the rapid released its hold on him and vomited him back to the surface again, coughing and sputtering, but overall, fine.

Cycles

I often use the concept of getting stuck in a cycle with many of my therapy clients. So many of them seem to be miserable in their life circumstances but feel stuck, as if they can’t escape their struggles. “I just can’t go on like this anymore,” “What am I supposed to do now?” What’s fascinating is that the majority of the people sitting across from me on the couch in my office know what is wrong. They even know what they should do to fix the dilemma that they’re currently in. As their counselor, I often ask the surprising question, “What do you think you should change in order to fix your problem?” Many of them look up, confused, perhaps wondering why the person they’ve come to to get the answers is the one asking them this obvious question. It is then that I ask it again. “What do you think you should change in order to fix your problem?” I can see the cogs in their heads turning as they process this strange concept.

There is a quote commonly heard that it credited to Albert Einstein. “Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.” So often, we get caught in a negative cycle, knowing how to escape it, yet being continually pulled back into its grips. Maybe it’s a bad relationship, a bad habit, a string of business failures. We know the very thing that we’re doing wrong, yet we do it again and again, each time meeting with grief and distress that the outcome is the same.

Paul writes in Romans:

“I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it.”
Romans 7:15-20 NIV

Most of us know what is right and what is wrong. We just don’t do it. Life tends to happen and we make poor decisions based more on our own selfish desires rather than on the desires reflecting God’s nature. This cycle of selfishness and “I want” mentality keeps our cycle running strong generation after generation. Paul says that we are incapable of escaping this cycle left to ourselves. In fact, try as we might to do good, we continue to do evil. Only Christ living in us can transform us into the creation that God intends for us to be; a creation that brings glory to Him.